mini vent

my problem?

i can't do anything, i have no motivation, no nothing, if i don't have something to look forward to. 

i am physically incapable of getting out of bed and going and actually doing something with my life unless i have whatever - school camp, an event, going out with my friends - to look forward to. i hate it and it sucks like pus. and even when i do have something to look forward to, i STILL SOMEHOW waste time doing some useless thing. time is passing too quickly and i'm so afraid i'm going to throw away my entire life worrying about said future & not doing anything about it. i can but also can't explain it. i think my problem is i'm so scared of having to try being bad at something, and i let that fear consume my existence.

an example of this is my guitar. i got a guitar for christmas. i still haven't played it, and it's been like half a year, all because i'm so afraid of being bad.

to summarise i have no motivation & no dignity & no discipline whatsoever.

until next time,

g

english class

hiya!

this is what i did in my english class today. i'm kinda proud of it so i'm going to post it.

Along the coast where the east wind blows and rattles windows, where the salty Atlantic gales breathe salt into the sweeping forests of maples and firs, where you can almost taste the crisp air, lies a little red cottage on the top of a hill. This is our house, our old house. It’s such a lovely house, but you closed all the windows and all the doors too, banishing light from the walls and floors. And when the watery sky caves in and dances with no one in particular on an autumn afternoon you’ll sit down in your old pine rocking chair and throw your head back and your eyes will crinkle at the corners when you smile down at me, and in that moment I realise that nothing will last forever and one day you’ll be gone. I know that day is creeping closer with each passing minute, the clock growing nearer to midnight with every step you take, and the only thing I can do is look into the glistening ocean and hope that maybe there’s a god out there, and that maybe he has a plan for you. Yet still the wind blows, still the cool, damp soil whispers tales of times gone by, her voice quiet yet melodic from between the roots of the trees and under my feet. On those autumn days where our little cottage shivers and the rain hums a rhythmic tune, I look up to the sky and think to myself – thinking about you and your eye crinkles and your stripy sweater, and what to do next. I think maybe I could save you, maybe I could stop time itself from snaring you inside its dark ribcage, maybe there’s a way out of this. Maybe there’s a way to stop the columns of this little red house from cracking, breaking one by one, no longer able to support the weight of the world.

I have absolutely no idea, and I am afraid.

The prompt was to write about a place close to us, so I wrote about Nova Scotia in Canada. I went to Canada last year with my dad and NS was probably the most beautiful place i've ever been to. the story is about a young woman and an elderly man (maybe her dad/grandpa) i saw going into the house next to where we were staying, and the young woman was fussing terribly over the man, who had a very carefree and laid-back demeanor.

i am proud of it, and i want to improve in the future. that's all for today!!

bye!

school...

hello! :D

how are you? i'm good, thanks for asking!

next week i go back to school (sigh). i don't hate school, i just don't particularly like it either. it'll be my second term of grade 9 - or freshman year if you're from the US of A. last term i did NOT do very well in my math, so i'm hoping to do better, but i'm also kinda scared of my math teacher (he's this old Greek guy. he's a good teacher but he's just intimidating, and he doesn't have the best opinion of me at the moment). in other words, what i AM excited for is my STEAM class. steam stands for: science, technology, engineering, arts and math. it is one of the electives at my school. last term i did german (i LOVE german, have been doing it since grade 6) and...business... bluurrrghh.

i HATE business. my teacher was EVIL and she was also just a horrible teacher. she wasn't even a business teacher! she was a french teacher!!! whatever, enough about her.

another thing i don't like about school is the people - don't get me wrong, a lot of people are super nice, but a lot other are not so nice. i am by NO means "popular", or what we call a TC at my school. it's probably important to note i got to an all-girls private school in the city. it's definitely something. anyways! i am not a TC whatsoever, but i'd say i have a lot of friends, all of them not being TCs. i sit with the "smart" group, the girls who are good at classical music and do extension maths and are rich and go back to their home countries during school holidays. out of all these three i'm approximately ZERO of them! i don't really fit in with them, but it's better than sitting in the bathrooms all break, and some of them are really nice, but they're just not my kind of people, y'know? sorry, i probably sound really snobby. but what am i supposed to say! agree with them when they say "oh, i HATE singapore airlines business class, their food is so trash! also, if you don't get straight A's you're a fucking idiot!!!!". it also surprises me how much people just don't care about political issues. it sometimes makes me think i AM smart after all.

that's all for now. bye! -g

the minecraft pipeline

 is nostalgia a good thing?

this is what i was wondering today while talking to my friend. we shared a similar childhood, being absolute nerds and having unrestricted access to the internet, so we actually had a lot of common interests. one of these was 2010s and early 2020s Minecraft youtube. i think it was super interesting how we both valued and remembered this time of our lives so well, and still could remember a lot of small details about it to this day. this led me to take a trip down memory lane and look at some of the priceless content that i no longer indulge in on a day to day basis. i had a BLAST. it brought back such good memories and just made me feel so young again (yes i know i'm young. i'm not even in senior school. but still!). this led me to think - what are some more childhood experiences that i had vague memories of, experiences i treasured dearly, but were eventually lost to the trap of time (growing up)? also, how did these influence my current interests and shape me to be the way i am today?? so i went on a little internet adventure. i pirated old games, watched kids movies, found my favourite content creators from when i was a kid, even listened to music i liked when i was young.

anyways - it was a lot of fun. i'll probably revisit this topic a few times, cos i think it's super interesting (and also i want to talk about minecraft youtube).

see ya!

food

hello!

sorry it's been a while - i said i would post biweekly, yet its been nearly 8 days since my last post. i had a total of 3 assignments/exams due last week, as we're in the <pointy end> of the term, but it's nearly holidays so it's all fine now.

as per usual i as sitting at my desk in the pitch black room eating something - a plum this time, though some of my usual choices are crunchy green grapes, those flat, airy rice crackers, tea, chocolate of some kind and basically whatever shit i can get my hands on. binge eating is a big problem for me. i don't know how to stop it and it just keeps on going and going and it feels so bad to just eat and eat and eat. it's like the only thing i can do is eat and i hate it. but i won't stop it, i'll just feel bad about it later. so i'll continue to eat my biscuits and my sugary juice and my milky teas late at night.

i'm not even allowed food downstairs.

goodnight! -g.

first post . . .

hello!! >_<

this is my first post on blogger. today is saturday the 21st of march, 2026, and it is currently 10:16 PM. i am sitting at my desk. i should be doing homework - actually, i should be asleep, but i genuinely could not care less right now. instead of doing my definitely overdue history assignment i am writing my first blog post. i've had diaries in the past, as a clueless little kid, but i really like the idea of a blog. my dad has had one since, like, forever, so i thought maybe i'd give it a shot. i don't really expect anyone to read this, i just like talking to myself like a schizophrenic i guess

i suppose i should tell you a little about myself - 

- i live in australia, and am currently in my third year of high school

- my ancestry is half sinomalay and half white. my surname is ⻩.

- i am obsessed with pop culture and should probably go outside once in a while

- my aspirations in life are to do nothing and sleep all day

- my expectations for myself are unreasonably high, however.

okay yeah i'm pretty boring. i also play guitar (very badly) and do badminton & debating (with slightly more success). my grades are "bad", maybe not so terrible in the eyes of others but really bad in my own opinion. i don't know what do to anymore lowkey 🥹✌️

i'm going to leave it here for my first post! i'll try to post biweekly.

love, g.